I have recently begun meeting with a Small group/Bible Study through my church and as we gathered for the first meeting, we went through a series of simple “ice-breaker” type questions to inspire conversation: What was your first job (wow, I have to remember that far back?) What is your favorite movie? (There are so many good movies to choose from!) After a few minutes of discussion and some loosening up a little, we moved on to a deeper topic. What do you want to be known most for in your life? Without any hesitation, I knew that answer just like I know my own name. My motherhood! When my children are grown and living their own successful lives, as they reflect back my greatest hope is that they will truly feel in their hearts that they had the best mom ever!
There is nothing in this life more important to me than my motherhood. Growing up in a hostile and abusive setting left me to be a young woman with some severe identity issues. I felt unworthy of anyone’s love, I had more noticeable flaws than crackled fingernail polish and I didn’t have a clue who I was or what I wanted to be. Looking in the mirror was painful and there were many times I would wonder who in the world that empty-eyed girl was gazing back at me. That all changed on a sweet August day in 1995. I had given birth to my first daughter and after bringing her home, I remember walking into the bathroom and catching my reflection in the mirror. For the first time in my life I paused and pondered the person standing there. Something was different, unique, changed, and then it hit me. I was a mother! I no longer felt lost and undone as a woman, I now had a purpose and it was written all over me like the most beautiful love story ever told. Something alive glimmered in my eyes and I knew in that moment I had walked into the purpose that the great God of heaven had chosen for me before the foundations of the world were formed.
17 years and 3 more babies later, I can still say with as much confidence and vigor as I felt that day, I am walking in my purpose. Am I the perfect mom? – Insert me totally laughing out loud! – I have made many mistakes over the years and will more than likely make a few (hundred!) more before it’s all over. Most of the things that I said I would never do to MY children (spoken in a very judgmental tone) – has happened. I have made decisions that have hurt my children, I have failed them many times and sometimes I get exhausted mentally and physically and beg for a short break away from it all. Yet with its challenges, responsibilities, and demands, out of all the roles I fulfill, being a mother is WHO I am and it brings the most satisfaction to my heart.
I am taxi (sometimes I swear I am just going to paint myself yellow and change my name to Friendly).
I am judge (but I don’t get to wear one of those fancy black robes).
I am referee (Whoever said save the drama for yo mama should be cut!)
I am cook (now this is a task that I like to do!)
I am maid (sometimes borderline slave!)
I am cheerleader (I can’t do a back hand spring but I sure can yell some encouragement).
I am teacher (The Bible says…..)
I am comedian (at least I think so at times).
I am singer (well, okay, mostly in the shower).
I am bread-winner and I am bank. (I should have been the star in the old Enjoli commercials).
I am nurse (as long as blood isn’t gushing everywhere! Then I am in panic mode).
I am daughter (and I love MY momma!).
I am sister (and the older you get the more you appreciate your siblings).
I am friend (life without friends is like the sky without a sun!).
But when it is all said and done, at the end of the day (which is sometimes insanely busy and has had more things to accomplish than even superman would try) I know that I have done something right when my children make it a point to say…goodnight mom, I love you! I could win the lottery and not feel as special as I do when they wrap their arms around me.
I am at a season in my life where I feel it is time to pursue some self-inspired goals for myself. I want to earn a college education. In high school I took advance classes and graduated early to start college but as an 18 year old who had life before them, I made some unwise choices. At the age of 42 I have yet to attend one class. I do not regret for one moment what I have put my time and efforts into over the past 17 years as a parent, but I feel it is the proper time to take that goal off the shelf and put some action into achieving it.
I would love to write a book or two. I have so many ideas churning inside this eccentric, dramatic, creative personality I have been gifted with. (Yeah I know, you may call it something else but this is my story so I get to pen the description!)
I would love to study and someday teach Theology/Bible/Bible History. (And not in a mundane, boring, chronological way). The Bible is the greatest book I have ever read and it bleeds with love, passion, drama and truth. To intertwine all that in with true-to-life history and impart into someone an enthusiasm for Jesus that they have never had before – well that would be better than a lifetime supply of chocolate and coffee delivered weekly by Hugh Jackman!
I want the biggest Great Dane anyone has ever seen! He will be MY dog and he will love me and be my devoted friend. He will watch sappy love stories with me, listen to Michael Jackson and he will love the ocean. He will also take me for daily walks. 😉
I want to learn to play the violin. I think it is the most romantic musical instrument that exists. It can charm your senses with a soft melody and with a valiant stroke of excitement, beseech you to stop and listen.
With this all said I do hope that I seize every opportunity that God sees fit to send my way to walk out these goals and see them fulfilled. It would be fun to be known as an author/teacher/musician/the chick with the gi-gan-toid dog. However, when my life is coming to a close, in my heart my success will not be measured by the titles I may or may not have. It will be wrapped around the beautiful three letter word that describes the greatest mission that I could have ever lived out and that matters more than anything to me. Mom.