Here I am, a single mom with 4 children ages ranging form 8 to 15. After a 12 year marriage, I have been divorced for over 4 years but have felt “single” for most of my life. In 41 years I have had boyfriends, companions, a husband and friends, yet there has always been a haunting sense of loneliness that has followed me around like a lost dog. At any given moment it can overtake me, rendering me feeling helpless and alone. Just a by-product perhaps of a little girl growing up in a chaotic home with an alcoholic, abusive father. Makes me wonder what will become of my babies as they grow in a home with a mom who many times is exhausted mentally and physically from trying to survive everyday life. Children who have had to cope with their security being jerked out from under them without their control. Mistakes made by both parents resulting in a divided family. And to top it off, they are now slapped in the face with the reality that their dad has cancer and unless God chooses to work a miracle, death like a thief in the night will steal him from them. So much to deal with in such a short amount of years for all of them. All one can do is to put their hope and trust in the author of life and love and believe that better times are yet to come.
If I would have had the chance to sit down and write the book of my life before this saga began, I would have defintly arranged a different story. Nevertheless, here I am, living out the pages of a book that was penned before the foundations of the world were laid. Before the depths of the oceans were measured out in the palms of the Almighty, before the shorelines were sketched, before one thing was spoken into existence, the Great God of Heaven thought of me and etched my existence into a future that was sure to come.
What a concept to grasp ahold of. I admit that there have been times in my life that I felt I understood beyond a shadow of a doubt the divine plan of my heavenly Father that loved me so much that He sacrificed his only son that I may know him. I have relished in the peace of knowing that because of His great love, I was never to be alone. Yet at other times, I have found myself questioning the madness of any reasoning that would allow the magnitude of tragedy, failure, hurt to be inflicted on innocent souls. Am I just a character in a drama that I had no choice but to be cast in? To be forced to move along and deal with whatever the script presents in front of me? Do I dare admit that I have even questioned the very existence of the author Himself and all that I have put my faith in?There are minutes in my days that I would like to grab ahold of hope and faith and choke the life out of them. Yet at other times, moments when my greatest fears wrap around me like a tournaquet, something inside of me refuses to let go. Something encourages me to grasp onto the only One who has gotten me this far.
So again I say here I am, meditating on what seems to be a lifetime of thoughts dancing through my head. The melody is sometimes soothing, perhaps a beautiful piano solo that brings tranquility to the chaos around me, or is it inside of me? Both can be true at times. At other times it is a miscontrued, out of tune bashing of the keys that brings only fear, anxiety and doubt.
Sometimes the stress of everyday life overrides all that faith and hope has to offer. Four precious lives relying on me to get it all done. Physical needs that must be tended to, emotional tanks that need to be filled, practical tasks that are necessary. Mercy, I hear mom so many times in a hour that some days I truly want to escape to a land where there are five of me. One solely devoted to each child and one to relax, kick back and bask in the goodness. This escape only lasts for a fleeting moment until a knee-jerk back into the real world has me tending to whatever task is at hand.
Of course I won’t leave you hanging soley in all the stress and disarray. In the midst of the madness there are those many priceless moments that make it all worth while. How does the saying go? “Life isn’t measured by the number of breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath away.” Well, I can tell you from experience that is the truth. I experience those daily also, especially in the unforeseen hugs that embrace you at just the right moment and melts all the cares and worries away.
It may not sound like it so far, but I do absolutley love being a mom, more than anything else in my life. It is the one thing that I have discovered beyond a shadow of a doubt that I AM. All the things that I do daily doesnt “make” me a mom, a mom is “who” I AM, therefore I do. It is the one role I have played out in my life that came natural to me. I can still remember that transforming moment after having my first daughter, when I looked in the mirror and said out loud, “oh my, I look different, I look like a mom!” I think it was the first time in my life that I had looked in the mirror and was pleased with what I saw.
Do I struggle sometimes with the quality of job that I am doing? Do I wander through all of my mistakes if I am twisting my childrens minds and that they will one day put me on Montel Williams as the world’s worst mom ever?! Do I grow weary at times with the overwhelming responsibility of being the guardian, caretaker, teacher, trainer, example to four precious souls? Duh! of course I do! Yet I wouldnt take all the fame and fortune in the world for the joy that my babies bring to my heart. Oh most definitly there are times that I want to yoke them up and bust some rebellious tail, but other times, most times, I want to wrap them in my arms and hide them away from all the troubles and harm that they have to face. I look at them sometimes without their knowledge and I am overwhelmed at the blessing of being trusted with these wonderful hearts.
So 1138 words later, here I am, to share – thoughts, experiences, laughters, sorrows, rages, dissappointments, successes and perhaps at times just a good cup of coffee and some nice conversation. Perhaps the only purpose will be for me… to let go of whats inside and at times look back and cherish every moment that life sends my way.