Of mammograms, pissy mornings and 50 Shades….

17 Jan

Of mammograms, pissy mornings and 50 Shades....

So this morning began like any other. Alarm off at 6 am. Snooze. Snooze again. Finally up at 6:15. Wake up son who needs a very quick shower because I have a mammogram scheduled at 7:50 and I need a shower too! Totally didn’t configure in two more children having to wash their hair…so needless to say when it was my time to own the bathroom…completely COLD shower. Do I need to mention that I am not a fan of Cold? Cold weather, cold drinks, cold floors on bare feet, cold air blasting from windows rolled down in the middle of winter….and cold showers suck raw eggs!

Thus began the start of a pissy morning. Fussing at my kids. Having to reschedule my appointment (which I had reworked my week around). Change in clothing (you can’t wear a dress and red hooker heels if you can’t shave your legs!) and a much needed crying session to cleanse the system. Within the next 60 minutes I learned more things than I have learned in 60 days. Some, perhaps valuable life lessons, others, well you be the judge… -__-

*No matter how grumpy and emotionally outrageous I am with my children, they love me, forgive me and even take the time to encourage their old mom. That, my dear, is priceless!

*Never get the bright idea to try new eye make-up when you are in a crappy frame of mind. Why?

If you poke your eyeball with a liquid eyeliner brush it will burn like hades!

If you aren’t an expert at using an eyelash curler…be very careful. It hurts like double hades if you pinch your cheek skin while trying to shove your eyelashes into that little space.

When in doubt – stick to Cover girl Prostitute blue eye-shadow. It has done the trick for years!

*Never try to use a flat iron on hair that is under 2 inches long….no matter how bad of a hair day you are having and no matter how good it looks on someone else – be prepared to look like Alfalfa or rewash hair (needless to say in COLD water!)

*No matter how long you wait for coffee to make – IF you don’t put water in the pot it’s not going to brew!

AND never pour cold water in a coffee pot that has been on for several minutes – that is – unless you are trying to achieve a volcanic effect with dry coffee grounds and blasts of steam…[ Hey girl, you smell delicious…wink wink..What are you wearing??? Uh, Folgers Crème Brulee Coffee! ]

NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! listen to songs by Eminem if you are in a homicidal state of mind! Something a tad bit more soothing – perhaps romantic violin and piano – would be more therapeutic.

Last but not least…after reading 50 Shades of Grey, mammograms don’t intimidate me like they used to. The pro’s of having to wait for the shower to warm up just enough for a quickie made me miss my appointment and I didn’t have to have my boobs fondled, squished and manipulated today. The cons of having to wait for the shower to warm up is …that I missed my appointment and I didn’t get to have my boobs fondled, squished and manipulated today….curse that Christian Grey!!

I need comfort food…. Laters Baby 🙂

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Posted by on January 17, 2013 in Uncategorized


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