Category Archives: Uncategorized

I have recently begun meeting with a Small group/Bible Study through my church and as we gathered for the first meeting, we went through a series of simple “ice-breaker” type questions to inspire conversation: What was your first job (wow, I have to remember that far back?) What is your favorite movie? (There are so many good movies to choose from!) After a few minutes of discussion and some loosening up a little, we moved on to a deeper topic. What do you want to be known most for in your life? Without any hesitation, I knew that answer just like I know my own name. My motherhood! When my children are grown and living their own successful lives, as they reflect back my greatest hope is that they will truly feel in their hearts that they had the best mom ever!

There is nothing in this life more important to me than my motherhood. Growing up in a hostile and abusive setting left me to be a young woman with some severe identity issues. I felt unworthy of anyone’s love, I had more noticeable flaws than crackled fingernail polish and I didn’t have a clue who I was or what I wanted to be. Looking in the mirror was painful and there were many times I would wonder who in the world that empty-eyed girl was gazing back at me. That all changed on a sweet August day in 1995. I had given birth to my first daughter and after bringing her home, I remember walking into the bathroom and catching my reflection in the mirror. For the first time in my life I paused and pondered the person standing there. Something was different, unique, changed, and then it hit me. I was a mother! I no longer felt lost and undone as a woman, I now had a purpose and it was written all over me like the most beautiful love story ever told. Something alive glimmered in my eyes and I knew in that moment I had walked into the purpose that the great God of heaven had chosen for me before the foundations of the world were formed.

17 years and 3 more babies later, I can still say with as much confidence and vigor as I felt that day, I am walking in my purpose. Am I the perfect mom? – Insert me totally laughing out loud! – I have made many mistakes over the years and will more than likely make a few (hundred!) more before it’s all over. Most of the things that I said I would never do to MY children (spoken in a very judgmental tone) – has happened. I have made decisions that have hurt my children, I have failed them many times and sometimes I get exhausted mentally and physically and beg for a short break away from it all. Yet with its challenges, responsibilities, and demands, out of all the roles I fulfill, being a mother is WHO I am and it brings the most satisfaction to my heart.

I am taxi (sometimes I swear I am just going to paint myself yellow and change my name to Friendly).
I am judge (but I don’t get to wear one of those fancy black robes).
I am referee (Whoever said save the drama for yo mama should be cut!)
I am cook (now this is a task that I like to do!)
I am maid (sometimes borderline slave!)
I am cheerleader (I can’t do a back hand spring but I sure can yell some encouragement).
I am teacher (The Bible says…..)
I am comedian (at least I think so at times).
I am singer (well, okay, mostly in the shower).
I am bread-winner and I am bank. (I should have been the star in the old Enjoli commercials).
I am nurse (as long as blood isn’t gushing everywhere! Then I am in panic mode).
I am daughter (and I love MY momma!).
I am sister (and the older you get the more you appreciate your siblings).
I am friend (life without friends is like the sky without a sun!).

But when it is all said and done, at the end of the day (which is sometimes insanely busy and has had more things to accomplish than even superman would try) I know that I have done something right when my children make it a point to say…goodnight mom, I love you! I could win the lottery and not feel as special as I do when they wrap their arms around me.

I am at a season in my life where I feel it is time to pursue some self-inspired goals for myself. I want to earn a college education. In high school I took advance classes and graduated early to start college but as an 18 year old who had life before them, I made some unwise choices. At the age of 42 I have yet to attend one class. I do not regret for one moment what I have put my time and efforts into over the past 17 years as a parent, but I feel it is the proper time to take that goal off the shelf and put some action into achieving it.

I would love to write a book or two. I have so many ideas churning inside this eccentric, dramatic, creative personality I have been gifted with. (Yeah I know, you may call it something else but this is my story so I get to pen the description!)

I would love to study and someday teach Theology/Bible/Bible History. (And not in a mundane, boring, chronological way). The Bible is the greatest book I have ever read and it bleeds with love, passion, drama and truth. To intertwine all that in with true-to-life history and impart into someone an enthusiasm for Jesus that they have never had before – well that would be better than a lifetime supply of chocolate and coffee delivered weekly by Hugh Jackman!

I want the biggest Great Dane anyone has ever seen! He will be MY dog and he will love me and be my devoted friend. He will watch sappy love stories with me, listen to Michael Jackson and he will love the ocean. He will also take me for daily walks. 😉

I want to learn to play the violin. I think it is the most romantic musical instrument that exists. It can charm your senses with a soft melody and with a valiant stroke of excitement, beseech you to stop and listen.

With this all said I do hope that I seize every opportunity that God sees fit to send my way to walk out these goals and see them fulfilled. It would be fun to be known as an author/teacher/musician/the chick with the gi-gan-toid dog. However, when my life is coming to a close, in my heart my success will not be measured by the titles I may or may not have. It will be wrapped around the beautiful three letter word that describes the greatest mission that I could have ever lived out and that matters more than anything to me. Mom.

It’s the wee hours of the morning I’m lying in bed and I hear the pitter patter of little feet coming into my room. “Mom, I had some bad dreams.” my little one tells me. “Here, come crawl in beside me” I tell him. He jumps in over me and lies down. “Will you hold me?” he asks, and immediately I roll over, wrap my arms around him and pull him as close to me as I possibly can. His body relaxes, he sighs a relief as he closes his eyes. I can’t tell you the sweet satisfaction that rushes through me as he lays there, drifting back into a slumber as his spirit is comforted and his fears are soothed. What a joy to know that simply holding him can bring such security to his little heart.

My mind drifts off to the many nights of childhood where I would lay in my bed, terrified from the sounds coming from the other room; the desperate pleas to stop, the muffled cries of pain, the clings and clangs of thrown objects. Oddly enough it was the silence that scared me the most. Had the rampage stopped? Or was it just a brief pause before the violence burst into our rooms and chose the next victim. A good night’s sleep was hard to come by and if I did manage to drift off, the nightmares that invaded my resting body was at times more frightening than the reality that waited when I awoke.

“Will you hold me?” Countless times I wanted to cry out those simple words. To be enveloped by loving arms, comforted, sheltered from the storm. I knew better though than to mutter a word or make the slightest sound. Wisdom taught me early not to dare disturb the war that was raging, or else I would find myself as the object of the severe abuse. There were times that I would ask my sister if she would hold my foot. I’m not sure why that brought me comfort, perhaps just the awareness that I wasn’t alone, but most times I would hold on for dear life to my stuffed animal that had become my constant companion and my only faithful friend. I still have my teddy bear that I got for Christmas when I was 11 years old. Yes, he still serves as a pillow for my head at age 42, and my children know that he is to leave this earth with me when I depart. My ex-husband once told me I had to choose between that raggedy old bear and him…notice I said ex. :o) (although a true statement, just a little humor to lighten the mood.)

The good news is that eventually my family was able to escape the violence and began a new life. The bad news is that the nightmares followed me around wherever I happened to lay my head. The terror was so real at times that I would find myself waking up in a disconcerted state of mind. It would take minutes, sometimes hours to shake myself back into reality, clear my mind and realize it was only just a dream. Many times I turned to alcohol to dull my senses so that my mind could shut down and at least bring rest to my weary body.

At the age of 24, my life was changed. I gave my heart and life to Jesus and in return He gave me a new life full of wondrous transformations. My loving heavenly Father began to pour His healing balm upon every wound and scar from my past, touching the deep places that had become the very core of my being. A misconstrued image where Insecurities, feelings of worthlessness and self-hate flourished was changed from glory to glory as I allowed Him to show me who I was in His eyes. One of the greatest revelations I found was in Psalm 4:8 – “I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makes me dwell in safety.” What a joy it was for me to discover that I was safe in Him! That I could lie down and rest and not be afraid of what had been and what would come and haunt me. I devoured His word and rejoiced as the darkness of my soul was regenerated into something radiant, beautiful, happy.

18 years later I would like to be able to tell you that the nightmares have completely subsided; however, there are times that one slips in like a cold draft through an old window. The good news is that when I wake up in a panicked sweat, feeling like a helpless child who is longing for some comforting arms to wrap around me, I CAN cry out “will you hold me?” In an instant the everlasting arms of the Father rush down from Heaven to embrace me. Just like my little one runs to me, I can run to my God who is my refuge. His presence surrounds me, His love comforts me, His truth banishes my fears and clears my senses and I am safe.

2011. Eventful. Many blessings. Numerous heart aches. Difficult challenges. Necessary changes.

Welcomed new friendships and relished in the time spent cultivating the beauty of loyalty and companionship.

Cherished long-time friendships and rested in the security of seasoned love and commitment.

Said goodbye to some dear friends and felt the ache of the reality that life really doesn’t last forever.

Watched my children stand with enormous courage and faith as they had to say goodbye to their father and watched their tears fall from the ache of missing him.

Walked in the warmth of contentment of times of peace.

Woke up to the icy chill of loneliness.

Learned that asking for help doesn’t mean you are weak, it only means you are human.

Realized that some things may never change, it’s how willing I am to adjust that will make a difference.

Discovered that there isn’t too much variation in “who I am” and “who I want to be”. And that I’m okay with that.

Experienced the truth that God looks at things a whole lot different than we do sometimes. He isn’t a grudge holder. And when He has said something, He means it and will be faithful to follow through.

There is a fine line between faith and reality, and it’s easy to lose your balance sometimes and God understands that more than we think He does.

Learned the hard way that I really can endure more than I think I can, but it doesn’t mean that I like it!

If you want something, be willing to give it first. Our good deeds never go unnoticed by the One who really counts.

Kindness isn’t weakness. Only stupid people make that presumption.

Everyone needs love but not everyone will let you love them.

I have the right to say no (although I don’t do it very often – carrying that effort over to the new year!)

There is no greater satisfaction than that of knowing you have done what is right, despite the fact that you still want to cut somebody.

Can honestly say that fervently petitioning the God of heaven for what seems impossible, absolutely works!

Know beyond a shadow of a doubt that God is my friend. He loves me because of who He is. He helps me. He provides for me. He blesses me and He forgives me when I act like a dummy.

Never take those you love for granted. Life can rain on your parade at any given moment (or in my experiences lately, send a treacherous storm that can turn everything upside down).

Learned that I hate cancer and the destructive path it leaves in its wake.

I have what I need and God will take care of the rest.

I can make it through anything as long as I have God, my babies, family, friends, tequila, tuna subs and chocolate (and a sense of humor always helps!)

So as I brace myself for the New Year and the challenges that are already present before we even got started, I say with a grateful heart – Whew! Thanks! and let’s go!

Being a single mom with 4 active children really keeps me on the move. There is hardly an evening goes by that we don’t have something to do or somewhere to go. Many times people will ask me how in the world do I get everything done, and my honest answer is, by the grace of God. Most days I can muster up enough strength and attitude to complete the tasks before me, but there are some days, very few and far between, that life gets the best of me and I don’t want to do anything but recoup for a few. Last Sunday was one of those days. Me and my babies got up and went to church, and by the time I got home, fixed them some lunch and sat down, I realized I was tired, my body was aching from wrestling with a kidney stone and all I wanted to was rest for just a little while.

My attempt to lie down was futile to say the least. For some reason my precious children must have thought that my absence from the room they were in was an open invitation to be loud, obnoxious and a tad bit too wild for indoors. After 20 minutes or less, I was up, irritated, ranting, and frustrated. Totally throwing the insane idea of resting out the door, I began tackling some of the daily chores that needed to be done. As I picked up, cleaned and banged a few pots and pans around, I was baffled at the silence that echoed through my house, you know the kind that I had desperately wanted just a few minutes before, and my frustrations grew. My oldest daughter asked me to take her to a friend’s house, and I welcomed the opportunity to get out for a few minutes. After I dropped her off, the thought popped into my mind, “I am going to stop and get ME an ice cream.” I knew that if my children found out that I had ousted them on an ice cream run, they would be upset with me and deem me a bad mom, so my plan was to sit in the parking lot until every last piece of evidence was gone, then I would return home.

My destination was Mickey Dee’s and visions of a chocolate dipped cone enjoyed in solitude danced in my head. So there I was, sitting in the turn lane when I heard, “Go get your children and take them with you.” WTH! You have got to be kidding me. I sat there for a moment, ignoring the inclination, with the clicking of the signal light serenading me, and I begged for the light to change. This time it came across a little stronger than a suggestion, “GO GET YOUR CHILDREN AND TAKE THEM WITH YOU.” *sigh* “But Lord, you don’t understand, I don’t think they deserve an ice cream. I feel awful and they wouldn’t even let me rest for 30 minutes! I want to eat an ice cream alone with only peace and quiet as my companions. No, I’m not getting them” (and yes…I said that out loud!) Then the still small voice that I am so acquainted with spoke gently to my heart, “There’s lots of things you didn’t deserve Christy. Go get them, let me remind you of something today.” The light changed, and so did my direction. Off I went, not only to pick up my babies, but also on a refreshing journey down the portals of grace.
Grace: A favor rendered by one who need not do so. Indulgence. Unmerited favor. Getting something we don’t deserve.

Over 2000 years ago, the Creator of heaven and Earth looked down upon His creation and saw a people sick with sin and full of their selfish ways. A people He had made with His own hands and breathed life into with His own breathe. A people He had pursued, chosen, set apart, and set up tent to come live with. Yet they rejected Him. Time and again they turned from His ways. Time and again He forgave them and embraced them, a people that deserved only death and judgment. Yet one starry night, at just the right time, the God of Heaven sent His only son, not as a judgment but as a gift. The King of the universe, all powerful, all knowing, ever present, stepped out of His position as completely God, and wrapped Himself in the flesh of man. Grace wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. He came to live among a people who didn’t deserve Him. A people that would again reject Him, scorn Him and eventually crucify Him. He came to subject Himself to temptation, to be faced with the same trials that we wrestle with so that He could understand all of our weaknesses. The God who knew no sin became sin and offered Himself as a gift. The same grace that had once lain helplessly in that manger now hung naked on a cross and gave His life for you and me.

God wasn’t required to do anything for His people. His law had been given and the penalties of disobedience were written in stone. They hadn’t done what He had asked and He had every right to be angry with them. In His sovereignty He could have chosen to do whatever he wanted, yet Isaiah 53 says that it was all His good plan. Grace. From the sweet Christmas birth to the treacherous cross and on to the victorious Easter resurrection, it satisfied God to do something for His children that they definitely didn’t deserve.
So there I sat chocolate dipped cone in hand, in a minivan full of children who were laughing and enjoying their unmerited treat. With each bite, my frustrations seemed to melt away and thankfulness filled my heart. Thankful, that when I was lost and undone, God found me, picked me up, brushed me off and started me on the right path. Grace. Thankful that His love for me isn’t based on who I am but who He is. Grace. Thankful that through all my mishaps and mistakes, when I open my eyes each morning He is there to renew me and get me through the day. Grace. Thankful that at the times in my life that I feel the least deserving, God embraces me with His love and forgiveness. Thankful that through such a simple thing as a chocolate dipped ice cream cone, the God of Heaven took the time to join me and remind me once again of His amazing grace

Rejection and loneliness is something that I have battled with all of my life. As a child nestled safe inside my mother’s womb, I couldn’t comprehend the outside forces that violently threatened my existence. As a young girl the sting of anger gushing from a man declaring repeatedly that I didn’t belong confused my innocent desires to be accepted and embraced. Going into the teenage years with no sense of who I was or where I belonged led to countless attempts to find myself in the wrong people and the wrong thing s. Being taunted over of my appearance, excluded from the social cliques, even to be looked down upon by the church because I didn’t have the correct religious clothing imbedded a warped truth that there was something wrong with me and I was unworthy of acceptance. Rejection became my constant companion and soon loneliness settled into my heart as a loyal friend.

Many years, numerous mistakes and immeasurable strength was put into searching for a person, a place, a job or position, anything that would deem me worthy. Yet in all my attempts and fleeting moments of satisfaction, the days of bliss would dwindle down and the nights of waking up feeling empty and alone would settle in again like a hibernating bear.

It wasn’t until April 10, 1994, at the age of 24 that my life finally took a turn for the best. In a small church, standing amidst a congregation of strangers, I came face to face with the one, like me, who had been despised and rejected himself. The Bible says He was a man of sorrows, acquainted with deepest grief. We turned our backs on him and looked the other way. He was despised, and we did not care. Yet it was our weaknesses he carried; it was our sorrows that weighed him down. And we thought his troubles were a punishment from God, a punishment for his own sins. But he was pierced for our rebellion, crushed for our sins. He was beaten so we could be whole. He was whipped so we could be healed. (Isaiah 53)

Without any hesitancy, I took hold of the nail pierced hands and fell into the outstretched arms of the one who gave his life to prove that I was worthy, accepted and loved. It has been an interesting 17 year journey. It hasn’t always been sunshine and mountain tops that’s for sure and many times I have let go of those hands, and ran from the warm embrace, yet He has never let me go. I have learned a lot about myself, and have experienced the healing of wounds that I thought were mine for existence. I have discovered that my worth lies in who He says that I am not what others do or think about me, and mainly , my worst enemy at times, my opinion of myself. My relationship with Him over the years has transformed me from a broken woman with a shattered heart who was unable to stand myself much less love others to a whole woman who likes myself (on most days – we won’t count the hormonal roller coaster rides!) with a heart that is able to love beyond any capacity I ever imagined.

I’m by far not immune to the old feelings coming and knocking on my door from time to time. Different things can send out smoke signals for them to come rushing in. Harsh words from a child you’ve worked so hard to please, careless actions from others, a memory that has crept its way back into my thoughts, a disturbing dream, all can cause the old familiar tune to strum it’s melody upon my heart. (I’m human myself and capable of making mistakes that may cause someone else that I love to feel the same way. Ugh! )

Just this week I found myself waking up to the chill of the uninvited presence. 5 am came way too early and the darkness wore a mask that enveloped my senses. I laid in bed crying out to God to help me not feel this way. The dread of going through the day with this heaviness weighed down my spirit. I needed an answer, a reassurance that He heard me.

It wasn’t long until I heard the comfort of His voice as he reminded me of the thief on the cross. Here was man who, for whatever reasons in his life, had made many mistakes which brought him to a fate that was sealed with doom. There is no mention of anyone standing in the crowd that day that had any compassion for this thief and I can only imagine the feelings of rejection and loneliness he was experiencing as he hung on the cross in front of the angry crowd. In a moment of despair, he cried out to Jesus, “Lord remember me when you come into your Kingdom.” Simple words that shouted volumes of hope that one day he wouldn’t be alone. Jesus’s response wasn’t, “dude you must be crazy! You deserve what you’re getting,” or even “okay, sure I will do that but it may take a while.” Out of His own agony, Jesus replied, “Today you will be with me in paradise.” This man’s last breath was taken with the comfort and assurance that Jesus had not rejected him.

That same comfort given to the lowly thief over 2000 years ago flooded my room as the sun rose over the horizon. The weight on my soul was lifted and the promise of His ever-present love soothed every cell of my being. The truth spoken by Jeremiah of His mercies renewing themselves each morning penetrated the empty spaces and filled me up once again.

Jesus said in John 10:10, “The thief comes to steal kill and to destroy; I have come that you may have life and life to the full.” (John 10:10) I have heard that scripture preached so many times, with the majority of the sermons leading us to believe that our life is to always be exciting, blessed, and successful and if there is anything going on to the contrary, then we must be doing something wrong. More than once those words have been like a dagger of condemnation piercing my heart as I would experience struggles and hardships that seemed beyond my control.

In my quest for living that life to the full, I am the ultimate at always trying to find the good in all that is bad, the light at the end of the tunnel, the hope in the face of despair. Yet in living 41 years so far I have discovered that life isn’t always successful and enjoyable. Yes I know, we are supposed to savor every moment because we never know what’s going to happen, but in all reality, let’s just admit it, sometimes the taste it leaves in our mouth is a little more like raw sushi instead of chocolate cake. There are mornings that you can’t wait for the sun to rise so you can begin a new adventure, and then there are others that you have to pry yourself out from under the covers and force yourself out of bed. There are the moments that you wish you could hold onto forever, and there are days that you feel like will never end. The statement, “life isn’t measured by the number of breathes we take, but by the moments that take our breath away” is blissfully true on both ends of the spectrum. It can be the priceless awe captured in a snapshot of your 3 year olds first sight of the ocean, or it can be the terrified image that is forever burned in your memory of your now 9 year old as he watches life fade from his father’s eyes. There are times in your life that you have never felt happier and blessed until something beyond your control knocks the wind out of your sails and you feel like you can’t even stay afloat.

My family is in a major transitional stage in our life right now. My children must learn to live with the peace that their dad is no longer suffering but living the eternal life that their faith promises them and to balance that with the weight of the heartache of him being gone and the deep sadness that comes with missing him tremendously. I myself am experiencing the emotional and mental stress of feeling like the sole source to supply their needs, mentally, physically and emotionally all the while wrestling with the constant monkey of fear on my back that whispers I’m not going to be able to do it. It’s not easy looking in your children’s eyes and seeing a hurt that you don’t have the fix for.

Nevertheless, this is life and it is happening, and I am living it. Every day that there is breath in our body and blood flowing through our veins we are thankful yet susceptible to experiencing the good and the bad, the blessed and the destitute, the satisfying and the exhausting, the contentment and the disarray. If you are reading this you are probably thinking, in the most sarcastic tone you can muster up, “wow this girl is a beaming ray of sunshine!” I confess it has gotten me down, lower than I have been in a long time; there are more moments than I can count that I feel I may spontaneously combust.

The good news is that I am simply living life to the fullest. If you read John 10 in it’s context, the whole chapter deals with us knowing Jesus for who He really is, for how He cares for us, knowing the sacrifice that He made and how He wants us to be able to hear His voice. He doesn’t promise that a life to the full will exclude times of heartache and despair, but He does say that if we belong to Him, then we will know His voice and He will take care of us. Even though life is tough right now with many things uncertain, there is one thing that I’m sure of, I know my savior and I hear Him when He speaks. Whether He chooses to speak to me through His written word, an audible voice, or through the understanding words of someone who loves me, I hear Him and it breathes life to my weary soul.

So many times in my life I’ve wondered what in the world I have done wrong, asked over and over, why Lord? I have prayed, confessed, and hail mary’d enough times for every priest in America to be covered, yet on a hot summer day, in the silence of an empty office, I discovered that the place I am at right now in my life is exactly where God wants me to be. There are no wrong or rights to analyze and no condemnation to carry. I am living life to the fullest because I know Him… and I need Him… and I know that I need Him. I ask for an answer, and I listen as He speaks. When I wake up feeling empty, I ask and He fills me up. When I feel like I am going to fall apart at the seams, I somehow feel His arms around me holding me together. When my mind can’t take anymore and my emotions are on overdrive, I set my thoughts on Him and I find peace. I stand in awe at his goodness and the sacrifice that He made so that I can draw near to Him. Does this mean that everything will be okay tomorrow? No, not necessarily, and neither does it mean that there won’t be times that I question Him again, or feel like I’m running on empty. It does mean however, that whatever tomorrow brings, He will be right there with me, He will take care of me, I will be okay and I will be living the life He so graciously came to give me.

I love this time of year. It is the few coveted weeks that I have the time to get up before the kids do and go for a morning walk. The sun is rising in the sky, the air is fresh and new, the birds are singing their morning songs and for at least 30 minutes out of the day it is “my” time. Time to walk myself into a healthier me; time to clear my head of all the thoughts that cram themselves in such a small space; time to pray and talk to my God and Father about the things that are on my heart; time to fill up on the sanity that I will need to make it through another day.

Our weather has been crazy lately with all the storms and heavy winds that have been wreaking havoc in so many places. Yesterday morning in particular the sky was so gloomy, the clouds were moving stealthily along their way, waiting for the right moment to unleash the destruction that was swelling up inside of them. As I walked I’m wasn’t sure which was heavier, the weight of the storm holding itself inside of the gray masses or the burdens of life that have been lingering inside of my soul for way too long now. Simple everyday living can take its toll on you, add other complications, battles, struggles, concerns, mishaps, mistakes, circumstances beyond your control and some outright bullcrap and, yeah I know, your wore out aren’t you?!

So as I walked, I talked, I prayed, I argued, I pleaded for those that need miracles, discussed things that need to be done, asked for the provisions that stretch beyond my means, and finally after 7000 and some odd steps, too many words, and coming back to the awareness that I was walking in a neighborhood full of people and passerby’s, the one-sided conversation was replaced with tears that gently flowed from an exhausted heart of a woman, mother, companion, daughter, sister and friend.

I was a little distraught because God wasn’t talking back to me (as IF He could have gotten a word in edgewise!) He knew better than anyone that I needed some help to straighten myself up before I made it back to my front door. Then as I looked up I saw it. A single ray of sun bursting its beautiful way through the darkness that hovered. Like a Bob Ross painting, it appeared out of nowhere, changing the whole appearance of the landscape that was before me. A break in the clouds, a ray of light, a change in the scenery, a subtle yet beaming reminder that there is more to life than gray skies and storms. It may sound a little outrageous to you, but somehow that loner sunbeam brought comfort to my weary soul, restored strength to my tired mind, wrapped itself around my weeping heart.

I have heard it said that God will never put more on us than we can bear, that everything we experience must come through his hands first. Well, I’m not much on hearsay, so I did a little investigating into the scriptures and discovered that I liked the way the Message puts it: “No test or temptation that comes your way is beyond the course of what others have had to face. All you need to remember is that God will never let you down; he’ll never let you be pushed past your limit; he’ll always be there to help you come through it. “(1 Corinthians 10:13). I can honestly say and I know I’m not alone in this statement, that there are more times than one where I have felt myself standing on the ledge of uncertainty and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that if one more thing happened I would jump head first over the cliffs of insanity. Those moments when your faith is traveling on the tracks of reality and you just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. Those happen more often than we would like to us and to those we love. I will also come clean and say that there are times when I witness tragedies that others face, and I wonder how in the world God could really expect us to believe that all things will work together for our good if we love Him. I know I shouldn’t admit that, it could make me look like a terrible Christian, but I have always been one to just lay it out on the line with God. He knows my thoughts before I even think them, what’s the point in trying to pretend, right? That kind of fake and phony religion that says you have to always act right, think right and talk right has always left a bad taste in my mouth.

But as much as I can attest to the knowing personally the hard times, the struggles, the battles, the doubts, I can also say with all confidence that when the storms in life seem unbearable, when the skies seem dark and full of despair, somewhere, somehow, there will be a break in the clouds that will get us through. If I just turn to the One who has promised to never leave me or forsake me, the One who says I can come unto him when I am tired and worn out, that He will give me rest and show me how to live (Matthew 11:28-30). I may not always understand why and how, but I can rest assured God’s word is true and He always wants good to come out of the things I face. I have found nothing else in life that I can put that much belief in and it not fail me. There may not have been an audible word spoken, nevertheless a lone sunbeam shone brighter than the noonday on that dreary Tuesday morning. It reminded me of countless promises that I can lean on, find hope in and draw strength from to carry on another day.

My Olivia is the best at expressing herself through hand-made cards. She is forever sitting on her bed with paper and colored pencils strewn about, penning a masterpiece for the lucky recipient. On my birthday she made me a card that had a picture of her beautiful self pasted on one side and on the other it said: “Dear Mom, I love the way you love me, you take care of me when I am sick and you love me when I am mean. Happy Birthday” That has been 6 months ago and I still get teary-eyed when I read it. A simple yet profound statement poured out from the heart of a child who knows that she is loved.

What an awesome feeling to rest in that security. I have lived most of my life under the burden that if I wasn’t perfect, I wasn’t worthy of being loved. It was a hard lesson learned at an early age that set in stone a mentality which has directed way too much of my time and efforts in 41 years. Many days I have found myself feeling hopeless and ashamed, failing to meet the standard of others, convincing myself that if I just do it better next time, I would somehow merit the affirmation and affection I so deeply desired. I can tell you now, from much experience, that those expectations are far too high for anyone to achieve.

As we are approaching Easter, we understand that this week is called the Holy week. Simply stating, it is the last week that Jesus spent on earth as a man. He has done miracles and wonders, healed the sick, gave sight to the blind, raised the dead and now he makes his triumphant entry into Jerusalem. The time has come for him to finish the course that he set out on when he came wrapped in swaddling clothes and lying in a manger. My thought is do we really understand what His purpose was? Do we know what God was saying when he allowed his only son to be brutally beaten, nailed to a cross and crucified? Many churches over-teach the message of salvation as being fire insurance. Get saved and you won’t go to hell. (I actually detest that terminology). News alert – we live in an era where most people don’t even believe in a biblical hell. If that is all that we get out of it, we surely are missing the greatest message ever preached.

Don’t get me wrong, I am very thankful that when my life is over on this earth, I have made a decision that secures me an eternity to spend with my father God. However, the most exciting part of the Gospel for me is that in the death and resurrection of Jesus I have finally found the love that I so desperately searched for. The Bible clearly tells me that God didn’t wait for me to get everything right to love me. Instead, before the foundations of the world existed He looked thousands of years ahead, saw me at my lowest point and decided then that He would show how great His love was for me by sending His only son to pay a price that should have been mine to pay. (Romans 5 and Ephesians 2 – some of my favorites!). A love that doesn’t wax or wane with the years, that doesn’t increase with successes and fade with failures, that doesn’t depend on whether I do it better next time or say, “get it right or your out of here!” But a great love that says no matter what you do, you are my child and I love you.

I have been “saved” for 17 years now and as bad as I hate to admit it, I’ve had numerous foul ups. At times I was the perfect Christian (or so I thought) and other times I would even be embarrassed for anyone to know that I ever proclaimed to know God (and I won’t go into the gory details..ok). I can honestly tell you that it has been at the lowest points in my life that I’ve needed and felt the love of God more strongly than when I was feasting high on the hog of spiritual perfection. With my few accomplishments, all my flub-ups and some serious nose-dives, God loves me as much as He did from the beginning as He will until the very end. He takes care of me no matter what and is always there for me. For someone like me, that truth brings a security that can’t possibly be expressed in words. For you, whether you have known God for years or have never even heard His message, I can simply sum it all up by saying this: “Dear Father God, I love the way you love me. You take care of me when I am sick and you love me when I am mean. Happy Easter!”

“Don’t ask yourself what the world needs; ask yourself what makes you come alive. And then go and do that. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.” ~ Harold Whitman. I saw this quote the other day and when I read it, it was as if the words jumped right off the page and embraced me. I admit that I find myself a lot of times in survival mode, feeling like life has tied me to the whipping post, going through the motions, just trying to make it through until the next break comes along. Yet, when I stop for a moment and allow the winds of purpose to fan the flames of who I am and what I am here for, I feel that life rise up inside me like a blazing inferno. It is then that I know without a doubt these are the things that make ME come alive. (part 3)

Writing. I love to write. To be able to take the thoughts that dance around in my mind, put them together on paper in some sort of order to make sense (well, maybe it doesn’t always make sense!). What joy that brings for me. It is probably one of the most selfish things I do because 9 times out of 10, I am writing for my shear satisfaction and release and no other reason. I don’t claim to be good at it or feel the need to be recognized, although I do admit it is refreshing when something I say touches the heart of another person.

Anything can spark the notion for me to put the pen to the paper: a song, an event, a situation or circumstance, a scripture, stress, joy, elation, sadness (being that I am such an emotionally driven person, any emotion for that matter!) my children, a guitar player, a church sign, a quote, a nudge in my spirit. I have numerous notebooks that span over many years where I have wrote things down. It’s interesting to go back through them and recall what was going on in my life at that certain point and reflect what I was feeling in my heart. Sometimes I think, “dang, I wrote that!? “ And then sometimes I think, where is the matches, we need to burn this evidence!

Writing for me can be as intense as a life or death matter. At times my mind is so full that I feel like a balloon with too much air. One more breath, and POP! There is a line in the song, “Breathe” by Anna Nalick -“2 AM and I’m still awake, writing a song. If I get it all down on paper, it’s no longer inside of me, threatening the life it belongs to.” Oh the moments that I can relate to that feeling as well as I can my own reflection in the mirror. The peace that comes when all the turmoil is splashed down in black and white before me, outside of me instead of on the inside screaming like a wild banshee. Sometimes the words will pour out like a flood, and other times it is as calm as a gentle rain on a hot summer day.

Many times scripture plays an important role in what I am trying to express. Matthew 4:4 says, “ Man does not live by bread alone, but on every word that comes from the mouth of God.” I can definitely testify that when I’m feeling weak, discouraged, down and out in Beverly Hills, starving for “that something” to give me the strength I need, I can sit down with my thoughts, pair them together with scripture and I will walk away nourished and rejuvenated, as though I have eaten the best porterhouse steak that money could buy.

My biased friends who love me (I’m such a lucky girl!) tell me I should write a book. Actually I have been working on a very special one for 16 years. I’m not sure how much longer it will take to finish it, but hopefully, someday, it will be a priceless treasure to the person it is written for. When I read over the entries, I feel as alive as I possibly can be.

So there you go. These are the things that make my life worth living. That which I have found that I want to “go and do.” The venues in everyday life that give to it the zing to reach beyond the ordinary. The areas in which I thrive in and enjoy putting forth every ounce of effort and energy that I possibly can into. Take these things away from me, and I would rather not exist. I cannot boast in possessing great beauty, nor in being talented, I can’t sing or dance ( I can however cook and clean like nobody’s business, and I will beat you in a game of Galaga! 😉 ) but I do hope that when years have passed and I am the subject of people’s memories, that these are the things that will be said about me: She was a great mom, an awesome companion and the best friend one could hope for. It will be then that I know that I have lived “alive.”