Some mornings when I get out of bed and my feet first hit the floor, I wish I never knew what it was like to have cancer.
I steady myself as I feel the fiery sensations on the soles of my feet
I slowly straighten up
I hear each joint whisper a sigh of discomfort
and I whisper back, I know, I’m sorry you ache
But we can do this!
I began to walk and I know that this day is a new day
With new mercies, sufficient grace and strength to make it through.
I know that my burning feet will carry me everywhere that I need and want to go
and on some days they will hike miles, scramble through creeks and over rocks
bushwhack through briars and thick rhododendron
and climb glorious mountains.
I know that my aching joints will sit down, rise up, make coffee, embrace my babies and grand babies, throw dog toys, cook dinner, do the laundry, take out the trash, do yoga, vacuum my house, mop my floors, mow my yard, drive my car and when the day is said and done, we will lay down together and silently weep accomplished tears.
Some days I look in the mirror and I wish that my body wasn’t altered, scarred, weak, different.
I miss my strength, my form, my endurance,
The definition in my arms and back from countless hours of climbing.
The firmness in my thighs from relentless, exhilarating adventures over the hills and through the valleys.
I gaze at the swelled areas of my chest,
I long for the day that I can stand in front of the mirror and look and feel like a woman again instead of a cancer patient.
Then I take a moment and a gaze a little deeper…
I run my fingers through my silvered hair,
I gently trace the scars where my breasts use to be
And I know that my body has been through hell and back
Fighting like a warrior
Enduring each poke, prod and knife against its delicate skin.
It armored up through chemical warfare, standing bold and courageous all the while suffering from the friendly fire coursing through its veins
destroying the terrorist that was attacking us.
I know that we are working in harmony for healing and victory,
We are stronger because of our battle
And I know deep inside that I am more of a woman than I have ever been.
Some days I struggle for the right words to say when my granddaughter asks why I shaved my head?
Or why can’t I jump on the trampoline with her?
Or what is cancer momsy?
My heart aches and I wish I never had to explain to her, or any of my babies or grandbabies, about this hateful disease.
I wish that they would had never had to see me tired, weak, sickly, bald.
I wish they would never have to experience hurt, fear, shame, or injustice in this broken world.
I pray and I know the right words will come.
I also know that actions speak louder than words!
Silently they are observing what grace and grit and determination look like.
Soon enough they will see with their own little perfect eyes and pure hearts that life isn’t always kind,
But we can be.
They will know that God is always on our side.
He is faithful and just and
He will never leave us or forsake us.
They will know what a firm foundation of faith looks like in certainty and uncertainty,
And they will know that with the love, support and encouragement of family and friends
A person can make it through even the most difficult of times,
And even broken things have beauty to behold.
Some days I wish life was different
But I know that no matter the situation, the circumstance, the season or the struggle,
Life is a gift to be treasured
To be lived to the absolute fullest
Today and everyday.
March 27, 2020
Ramblings of a quarantined survivor, thriver and lover of life