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The Rebellious Boob Chronicles: Chemotherapy – Round 3 – Brutal but Effective

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Round three of chemotherapy was by far the harshest so far. After my treatment on Monday, I woke up with the beginnings of cold/allergies on Tuesday morning. I usually get one cold every 3 to 4 years at the most and never deal with allergies, yet this is the second cold I have had in a month. It lasted for two weeks (and the allergies are still lingering) and sucked the sap right out of me, ugh! Let me insert I also never take any over the counter cold medications but after drinking my apple cider vinegar/honey and lemon water for days to no avail, I resorted to some Alka-Seltzer plus severe cold (to no avail I might add). I missed another weekend of adventuring and I was nonetheless unhappy about that and I found myself feeling angry.

The second thing I dealt with was the mouth issue again. Thankfully using the Miracle Mouthwash at night before going to bed and the Biotene religiously throughout the day, although my mouth was raw, I was able to maintain enough where I did not get any sores. However, the metal taste was so prevalent this time and I spent two weeks not being able to eat anything. EVERYTHING I ate and drank, even water, tasted like metal, and I used plastic silverware! I survived on protein smoothies, jello and pudding for two weeks.

The little bit of food I was able to choke down stayed on my stomach for about 5 minutes and then it was the familiar mad dash to the bathroom, which I seldom won. I had some of the worst stomach cramps I have ever had in my life. I do believe I picked up a stomach virus for a couple of days upon the beloved back door trots side effect of chemotherapy. Yay me, right? Have you ever thrown up so much that you had nothing left in you and the dry heaves come? Well, I didn’t throw up but experienced the same effect on the other end of the spectrum. Hello fuzzy!  And that is all I will say about that. After a few days I found myself frustrated, exhausted, 12 pounds lighter and ‘hangry.’

For someone with my background, the state of being ‘hangry’ is something that I have never been able to quite understand. Why would people get mad when they are hungry? To me, food has never been a source of pleasure or satisfaction.  From the time I was 13 until I was 33, I struggled with anorexia and bulimia. I could go for days without eating but a morsel of food, and when I felt like I did overeat, I took measures to rid my body of what I looked at as my enemy ASAP. It became a lifestyle for me, a second nature so to speak. The only time I was conscious of eating right was throughout my pregnancies, but as soon as my babies were born, I fell right back into the mindset. After coming to terms with the struggle and making a lot of changes over the years, food became a source of maintenance for me. I rarely crave anything and seldom sit down and really enjoy what I am eating. I eat to be healthy (except after a big hike and then I may eat the heck out of a pizza or a big ole burger, fries and cheesecake or pie!) So for me to be hungry to the point that I was angry about it was an extreme. Nevertheless, I was angry.

I am thankful that the week I was in Fort Lauderdale for training, food finally began to taste good again! Every morning I ate the biggest Belgium waffle you have ever laid eyes on and enjoyed every minute of it. One of my fellow trainees even commented on how I seemed to enjoy my waffle each morning, lol. After I told her my dilemma, she completely understood and celebrated with me and my ability to eat. I believe when this season of my life is over, I will actually appreciate the ability to sit down and appreciate a good meal much more than I ever have.

I experienced nosebleeds for the first time ever in 49 years. I woke up several mornings with the inside of my nose hurting so bad I could hardly touch it. I assumed it was just from the drainage from the cold however, when I went to put some Aquaphor in it to ease the pain, I noticed I had sores all on the inside of my nose and it was blood raw. Ouch! Oh, and all the nose hairs you have in your nose…gone…without a trace.  I blew my nose carefully, 5 minutes later I had a nose bleed that did not won’t to stop. Can someone say angry??

My face broke out like I was a pubescent teenager and I started noticing some small sores on one of my elbows. I developed a pin size rash on most of my body and might I add it itched like a mother cracker! Bruises from hiking and climbing lasted for weeks, and a simple nick on my skin while cutting my toenail turned into an infection by the next morning. Other simple cuts on my finger and a scratch from a cat briar from hiking bled for two dang hours! WTH! My body just seemed to be falling apart more each day. Can someone else say angry???

One morning while getting ready for work, I noticed my eyelashes and eyebrows were thinning very noticeably and my left eyebrow has this bald spot that refuses to be filled in with an eyebrow pencil. Even though I lost 12 pounds, my face felt like it was puffed up like a blowfish and, at times, when I looked in the mirror, I scarcely recognized myself and I struggled to see Christy staring back at me. I found myself, yep you guessed it, angry! and yes, I cried a little.

There were more days than usual that I felt tired, struggling to get through my work days and evenings to the point that I didn’t think I had the energy to drive 6 minutes to get home.  When my friends and family would call, text or message me to encourage me and remind me that I was ‘one of the strongest women they knew”  I wanted to scream and cry because strong was the last thing I was feeling and I somehow felt like I was failing them all. For the first time through the process, I was not just pissed off, I was angry at all that my body was enduring from the side effects of the chemicals.

I would close my eyes at night and thank God that I had made it through another day and when morning rose, I would pray for sufficient grace to make it through the day and for new mercies to find me, and they always did.

One thing I have always been is real, open and honest and, well, the truth isn’t always pretty. In fact reality can be quite harsh at times but I have always found freedom and healing in authenticity no matter how raw it looks sometimes. When people ask me how my treatments are going, I tell them the truth – brutal but effective. Why do I say brutal? This process that is working to save my life also robs me of my dignity at times. It’s a little embarrassing at work when I have to tell my co-worker that works our front desk that I have to run home and change clothes. It robs me of my confidence at times when I look in the mirror and I see a stranger looking back at me. It robs me of my motherhood at times when my children have to take care of themselves when they are sick or when I am too tired to cook a simple meal. (Let me insert – they have been more than understanding and wonderful to help me and take care of me when I need it!) It robs me of my joy at times when my grand babies want to play and I don’t have the energy. Chemotherapy is brutal yet effective and the tumors are shrinking significantly already and for that I am very thankful!

So as I gear up for round 4 today, I will be 2/3’s of the way done with this process. Insert a big Woo flipping Hoo! I remind myself that this process is working to save my life. This process is going to give me many more years of love, adventure, joy and fulfillment. Although this process is brutal it is actually on my side and rooting for me. I prepare myself as I draw strength from the One who holds me in the palm of His hand. I take with me every prayer, positive thought, word of encouragement, phone call, message, card, text, support and love that is so generously being poured out to me by so many, I am beyond blessed! I clothe myself with a warrior spirit ready to fight this dragon called cancer that has invaded my body. I will fight with a vengeance and I WILL win and I WILL be cancer free! In my near future when I am standing on the mountain top again, I will not forget those moments when it felt like that very mountain was crushing me (thank you to a wonderful friend for those words!). I will be thankful and I will be better than I am at this moment.

It is time…Let’s do this! Round 4, here I come!

 

April 15, 2019

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Posted by on April 15, 2019 in breast cancer, Uncategorized

 

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Of Rocks, Trees and a Beloved Savior

Of Rocks, Trees and a Beloved Savior

I belong to my beloved, and his desire is for me. Song of Solomon 7:10

I recently had the opportunity to visit Grayson Highlands State Park, 4522 acres of gorgeous terrain in Mouth of Wilson, Virginia. With every hiking adventure that I go on, I’m always amazed at all of the beauty we encounter with each step on the trail. Our first stop was Big Pinnacle which reaches 5068 feet elevation. Rocky cliffs decorated with various wildflowers, moss and shrubbery adorn the pinnacles edge and are perfect for climbing and exploration. We ventured up the trail and over to Little Pinnacle which is 5089 feet elevation. You can see breathtaking views for miles and miles from both of these pinnacles! Our final destination for the day would be Cabin Creek Falls, unique in their own sense with two cascades resembling a heart shape as they flow downward in a slanted motion, meeting at the bottom and emptying into the icy cold pool.

The best words I could choose to describe this area is simply the hills are alive with music! The forest landscape was filled with the greenest green I have ever seen; beds of ferns as inviting as a pillow-top mattress; an assortment of wildflowers painting the green canvas with color; fire honeysuckle that shone as bright as the noon day sun; jack in the pulpits and trilliums galore. One couldn’t help but to remain in a constant state of awe with each new discovery. Sights, sounds, smells – my senses were alive and dancing with the harmonious melody of nature.

A few days before our trip, a trail friend had shared a picture with me of a tree that was growing around this rock. It resembled something from a magical land of elves and kings, and the anticipation of laying my eyes on this sight was growing inside of me. As we descended from Little Pinnacle, coming down the hill and around the corner, there he stood! Magnificent! Bewitching! Stunning! Handsome! I was overwhelmed and had to fight back the tears that desperately flooded my eyes. The way this tree had formed himself around this rock was remarkable. The way he had wrapped his roots around her and planted himself firmly in the ground, astonishing. I stared for what seemed like eternity as I was transported back to times passed. A time when this rock had stood alone in the forest, unique in her own sense, however bare and exposed. Somewhere from on high, a seed looked down and fell in love! He observed her vulnerabilities laid open for all to see as she stood there, unprotected from the elements around her. He settled in his heart the desire to leave his home on the tree, to exchange his life as a seed and become the mighty tree she needed. To come down to where she dwelt, fall upon her, break open and plant himself in the depths of her being. He knew his destiny was to love her, to be her guard and protect her forever. He would embrace her and shelter her from any storm that came her way. He would become her shield and companion; he would belong to her and her to him.

In a moment of time I saw centuries pass before my eyes and was taken back to yet another hill. A place called Golgotha where my Savior hung, naked on a cross, broken and spilled out for me. He had looked down from his home on high and saw me, standing alone, bare and exposed to the sin that threatened my existence. His desire for me caused him to leave where he was and come to where I dwelt. He planted his love in the depths of my being as he wrapped his arms around me and embraced me. He became my protector, my shield, my companion. He exchanged his life as king of existence to become my savior, to belong to me and I to him, forever. Oh my, the revelation that stirred in my heart. I wanted to shout! To cry! To lay myself prostrate on the ground and worship my Lord.

It never fails that with each hike I discover a new part of me that has been planted in the portals of time and has been patiently awaiting my encounter. On this day, I found myself in a rock, embraced by a tree somewhere in the southern highlands of Virginia.

 
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Posted by on June 10, 2014 in Uncategorized

 

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