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That lonely feeling
When pen and paper seem to be your closest friend
So you write
With clarity
Honesty
With no intentions of sharing
You just write
To release
To feel connected
If only to the soul that takes residence within you
You write
An accidental post
Revealing your innermost thoughts
An unexpected message
Reaction
Relation. Connection.

A meeting
The pretention that you might not have anything in common
Nervous
Fear of rejection
Coffee
Conversation
Elation
Let’s do it again. Connection.

The days become weeks
The weeks become years
A friendship
A bond
A safe place
You can be yourself
No guards
No masks
A sisterhood. Connection.

Joys
Heartaches
Laughter
Tears
Losses
Surprises
Gut wrenching moments that take your breath away
Goals
Accomplishments
Failures
Life
And all it offers
Shared. Connection.

A stranger becomes a friend
A friend becomes engraved in your life-song
Without the beauty of her melody
Life doesn’t make sense
Coffee. Conversations. Connection.

Hello, my name is Christy
Welcome to my corner of the world
It’s loud and lively and lovely
Full of challenges and adventures
Brimming over with moments that make memories
Stored with treasures that money cannot buy
Painted with peace
Colored in conversations
Built on a foundation that is stronger than myself
There are boundaries But no borders
Come as a stranger
Leave as a friend
Anyone is welcome
But not everyone will stay
And that’s okay….
Hello, my name is Christy
Welcome to my corner of the world……

Wake me when December’s gone
Winter has held me way too long
Her icy clutch, her distant stare
Dear heart how much more can you bare?
Come spring and whisper a lovely tune
Of hope and promise and life anew
Sing to me with flames and fire
Ignite within the lost desire
Shake me, please, don’t wait too long
Wake me when December’s gone…….

So this morning began like any other. Alarm off at 6 am. Snooze. Snooze again. Finally up at 6:15. Wake up son who needs a very quick shower because I have a mammogram scheduled at 7:50 and I need a shower too! Totally didn’t configure in two more children having to wash their hair…so needless to say when it was my time to own the bathroom…completely COLD shower. Do I need to mention that I am not a fan of Cold? Cold weather, cold drinks, cold floors on bare feet, cold air blasting from windows rolled down in the middle of winter….and cold showers suck raw eggs!

Thus began the start of a pissy morning. Fussing at my kids. Having to reschedule my appointment (which I had reworked my week around). Change in clothing (you can’t wear a dress and red hooker heels if you can’t shave your legs!) and a much needed crying session to cleanse the system. Within the next 60 minutes I learned more things than I have learned in 60 days. Some, perhaps valuable life lessons, others, well you be the judge… -__-

*No matter how grumpy and emotionally outrageous I am with my children, they love me, forgive me and even take the time to encourage their old mom. That, my dear, is priceless!

*Never get the bright idea to try new eye make-up when you are in a crappy frame of mind. Why?

If you poke your eyeball with a liquid eyeliner brush it will burn like hades!

If you aren’t an expert at using an eyelash curler…be very careful. It hurts like double hades if you pinch your cheek skin while trying to shove your eyelashes into that little space.

When in doubt – stick to Cover girl Prostitute blue eye-shadow. It has done the trick for years!

*Never try to use a flat iron on hair that is under 2 inches long….no matter how bad of a hair day you are having and no matter how good it looks on someone else – be prepared to look like Alfalfa or rewash hair (needless to say in COLD water!)

*No matter how long you wait for coffee to make – IF you don’t put water in the pot it’s not going to brew!

AND never pour cold water in a coffee pot that has been on for several minutes – that is – unless you are trying to achieve a volcanic effect with dry coffee grounds and blasts of steam…[ Hey girl, you smell delicious…wink wink..What are you wearing??? Uh, Folgers Crème Brulee Coffee! ]

NEVER! NEVER! NEVER! listen to songs by Eminem if you are in a homicidal state of mind! Something a tad bit more soothing – perhaps romantic violin and piano – would be more therapeutic.

Last but not least…after reading 50 Shades of Grey, mammograms don’t intimidate me like they used to. The pro’s of having to wait for the shower to warm up just enough for a quickie made me miss my appointment and I didn’t have to have my boobs fondled, squished and manipulated today. The cons of having to wait for the shower to warm up is …that I missed my appointment and I didn’t get to have my boobs fondled, squished and manipulated today….curse that Christian Grey!!

I need comfort food…. Laters Baby 🙂

Every now and again I like to record some things that I pick up on this journey called life….and these are completely random.

They say that absence makes the heart grow fonder….I say it can hurt like hell, but your heart will toughen up

The things you think you can’t do…..you really can if you have to

You get wounded…but the pain heals and the scars can be a beautiful reminder of where you have been

You can capture a moment…but the clock keeps ticking

You may think you fallen in love…but when you get back up you realize you have just tripped over emotion

True love is a choice

Love is the most powerful force I know…yet sometimes it just isn’t enough

The thing you fear the most…you face every day and conquer it with ease

The rose will bud, and then bloom…. Take the time to relish its beauty because soon the petals fall to the ground to make room for the next blossom

Sometimes it rains…inside and out

Eternity is real…but nothing lasts forever

Sometimes you do things you didn’t think you would EVER do….its okay! Everyone makes mistakes

Sometimes those mistakes will be the best conversation starter years on down the road

Most of the time your worst enemy is yourself

Laugh out loud at least once every day…it truly is the best medicine

A woman can survive a lot of things…but she absolutely can’t make it through life without faithful girlfriends!

It’s amazing how therapeutic writing can be…..

I am a tree.
I stand tall and proud in the summer sun,
Full of life, bearing fruit.
Her gentle breeze blows softly against me,
Each leaf swaying to the tune that dances through me.

I am a tree.
I stand strong against the wrath of autumn as
She threatens to strip me of all that I am.
I sway,
I bend,
I crack,
Until, relentlessly, I let go of that which is dying.
I weep and my leaves fall like tears from my branches.

I am a tree.
I stand in solitude against the bitter chill of winter.
All that is left is laid bare in the vast expanse.
Nothing to hide,
Nothing to give,
Is this my destiny?
Will I die here, barren and alone?

Oh, but I am a tree!
I stand because my roots go deep,
Woven in the foundation that makes me who I am.
I will sigh,
I will shiver,
But I will not lose hope!
For I know the song of Spring,
I have carved her melody on the walls of my heart.
And though silently,
I will sing!
Until I feel the first glimmer of her warmth
As she comes to embrace me.
Oh, and then I will rise!
I will greet her with buds of promise
I will find again my purpose
And burst forth with life anew.

I am a tree.
And I stand.

I came across this picture this morning and it spoke volumes to my heart. Some days I feel like a caged-bird that has lost her song. Just as she swings back and forth listlessly in the same rhythmic motion day in and day out, so are my mundane efforts to muddle through the monotony of everyday responsibilities. Morning light brings the all familiar empty feeling in the pit of my being, forcing me to run to the secret place and desperately grasp at the only One who can truly saturate my soul. Some efforts are focused and full of robust hope, while others are scattered, tattered and frayed. Nevertheless the Faithful One hears my cry, gathers my emotions, soothes my soul and prepares me for the tasks that are ahead.

I’m not resentful of my cage. It’s not a dreadful place at all. It’s beautiful, lively, the walls plastered with a palette of colorful smiles, laughter, tears, lessons, challenges, hopes, dreams, memories, and those priceless moments that you carry with you for a lifetime. It is full of treasures that money can’t buy and honestly I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. I was made for this very place, it is my purpose and I’m determined to fulfill it with all of my heart. I strive daily to do it well. There are nights I sit down and am satisfied at the accomplishments of the day and then there are those times I can’t go on for one more moment and wonder how in the world did I make it through.

Most days I am fully content with where I am and what I’m doing. But like a thief in the night, a nagging pain rises up from a distant land inside my heart. I go back to the little girl searching for the notes to make up the song she was told she didn’t deserve to sing. A young lady trying muster up a dance to a beat she does not know. A wife quietly humming the scattered notes she has gathered along the way only to be made to feel like a clanging cymbal. A woman, independent and strong-willed, yet still striving to put the music together to create the melody that has been silenced by abuse, rejection, criticism, failure, shame and guilt.

The song exists, I know it does! I’ve heard others sing theirs and it is marvelous. I see them moving gracefully to their melody. I watch as they adjust the strings when things get off key. I will find that song, the one that belongs to me. Oh I get weary and my heart seems as if it will fail me at times, but if I have learned anything in life it is that sheer determination and effort are my best friends. I will put together the bits and pieces I have heard along the way and compose a masterpiece that will burst forth like the noon day sun. I will no longer be muted inside my cage but I will open wide the door, not to fly away but to beckon others to come and share this wonderful discovery. I will help them find their song and together we will be a symphony. The empty place will be filled, I will radiate with beauty, and I will sing.